Silent Screams
by Lenari
Summary: COMPLETE Mutant X has to deal with a death... but will it bring them together or tear them apart?
1. Rain

Disclaimer: Don't own them Don't sue me, sue whoever killed Emma off. Lexa's pretty cool, though. 

Archive: Not gonna happen, but just in case: ask in a review or email me at RoseofDarkness28@aol.com or Lenari28@hotmail.com, so I know where the story's going and I can link to you. 

Rating: R for some ultra angst moments and for a lot of swearing 

Silent Screams 

Nahyra Lee Hennun

Copyright 2003

Chapter one: Rain

My head hurts and the rain is falling. My eyes try to focus but it's just so hard. People everywhere, just getting in my way. I push through the crowd, but I can't find anyone I know. Then I see her. She's being checked by a paramedic, one of her hands flailing limply beside her. She looks pale and deserted, and everyone around her is shaking their heads. 

I move closer and soon I'm standing right next to her head. Her cheeks aren't blushing anymore. Her eyes look vitreous and icy. A gentle hand closes her eyes and moves her hair away from her face, and realization dawns on me. I shiver, trying to contain the sobs. Both my hands are on the bed now, on each side of her head. A doctor comes and pronounces it. It's final. And for some reason, I'm the one whose life is flashing through my eyes.

I remember the day she was talking to Brennan. I was so sure she loved him. He was the strong one, the sexy one, the passionate one, and she wanted excitement. She'd danced with him for hours, flirting incessantly. Soon they were kissing passionately, laughing and drinking. She looked wild, dangerous, rather unlike her usual self. I guess I didn't know as much about her as I thought.

I also remember when Brennan chose to be with someone else, her heart broke and there I was, goody-goody friend, a shoulder to cry on. Then she found someone else and I was left in the dust. 

I chide myself, the last thing I should be doing is getting mad at her. But all I can think of is just how many damn opportunities I wasted. I had her so close, yet so far. 

I lift my hand and caress her face one last time. The paramedics pull a sheet over her face and I know it's over. That's when it sinks in: I never told her. My hands are still beside her head, and letting my full weight fall on them I sob, shaking my head. I can't believe she's gone.

I can feel Brennan restraining Shalimar somewhere behind me, and I can hear her sob. But right now, I don't care about anything but her. Why did you have to leave me Emma? Why?

Brennan puts his hand on my shoulder and pulls me away from her lifeless body. I know what he means: it's time to go to work. But suddenly, a thought strikes me: for the first time in my life, I feel like I've got nothing to fight for. Nothing at all. 

*******So this is part one of Jesse's POV. Next up will be part two, and then it's Shalimar's turn. I hope you like this, I just had to let it all out, it was driving me crazy! *******


	2. Routine

Chapter two: Routine

I sit in front of the console doing the usual. It's what I'm really good at, searching for stuff and taking care of Sanctuary. For some reason, this has always been my place. Not that I'm complaining, but it just reminds me so damn much of her. 

It seems unreal, the way we went straight back to work without giving ourselves a mourning period. Sure, the freaking world needs to be saved, but Emma just died and Adam's missing and probably dead. 

I guess I'm feeling bitter because Shalimar's got Brennan, and Lexa didn't know Emma, so she doesn't need any consolation. But I do, I need someone who can help me deal. Adam was our leader, our compass, and without him we are weak. And Emma, she was our strength.

It's really ironic that when I finally need a telempathic painkiller, and my only cure would be Emma, she's the one causing me such pain. Brennan never knew; I was always seen as the good friend that acted the same way with everyone and nothing else. No one ever noticed the way I'd look at her, how protective I was. 

I can feel Lexa watching me, but I refuse to let her know. I type frantically, trying to find whatever I'm looking for and get this done fast. Maybe then I will get some time to grieve. I have no idea about how to go on. I mean, this is a routine I can't deal with. She's not around anymore, and she was all that mattered to me.

Brennan moves close to me and asks me if I'm okay. I reply with a calm no. How could I be okay knowing that she's gone? I can see in Brennan's eyes that he understands, and he nods before turning away and giving me some space.

Physically speaking, I'm fine. But emotionally? I'm a total wreck. If Emma could see me now she'd try to say something to calm me, but what she didn't realize was that her mere presence was soothing enough for me. 

I finally get my work done and walk away without a word. I know Shalimar tried to come after me and Brennan stopped her. I also know that Lexa must be mildly amused watching all our interaction.

I walk into Emma's room and memories flood me. I can't deal with this, but I have to. I can see that Shalimar and Brennan have already been here, there are pictures everywhere. I remember Emma telling me where she hid her journal and an urge to find it overtakes me.  I won't read it, I just need something personal of hers to hold on to, so I start rummaging around for it.

Once I have the journal in my hands I sit down on her bed and flip it open. Her handwriting was tidy and round. I skim the pages with no real interest, and see my name in it quite often. No matter what the thoughts were, at least she thought about me. I skip over to her last entry and tears well up in my eyes. This really is the last entry she'll ever make. I have to read it. I can't control myself. 

She starts by saying that she'd been feeling confused lately. Something about mixed feelings. That, I can relate to. Then she says something about Brennan. How ironic. I keep reading and suddenly my hands tremble. I can't believe what I've just read. I go back and read it again, word by word:

_"I realize now that I never really loved Brennan. It was all an illusion. I was sexually attracted to him, but that was it. I know this now because when I kissed him, I always thought of someone else. Sometimes I can feel his eyes on me and I wonder if he feels the same. That sexy smirk of his, or his gentle strength, the great friend he is or the twinkle in his blue eyes. There, I've said it. I am madly in love with Jesse Kilmartin, but much too afraid to ask if he feels the same way. What a coward I am. I could always read him, but the last thing I want is to betray his trust. But I will tell him eventually, no matter the cost, because the truth is I love him and need him." _

I finish reading and close the journal, pressing it against my chest. My fists are rolled into balls, and I grunt out of frustration. If only she had told me before it was too late. And then it comes again, the sinking realization that has become a part of me: it's already too late. She's gone.

I sob quietly, then louder, because I've definitely lost it. I lost her, and she was all I cared for. Sure, Brennan's like a brother and Shalimar's like a sister, but I love Emma. And I need her, and she is gone. There's no way I can bring her back and it hurts. 

Why can I help everyone but myself? I'm always saving people, it's my job, but the greatest irony is that no matter how much I tried, I couldn't save the woman I love. It's so unfair. She didn't deserve this. I love her and she loved me. Why couldn't we be together? Why couldn't we get a damn chance at happiness?

I hear the door open, and feel someone sit beside me. I look up and see Lexa, looking at me dubiously. "I know nothing I say will make you feel better, but I just wanted you to know that even if I didn't know Emma, I share your pain. I know what it's like to lose someone you love." 

Her words sound in my head, and I nod my understanding. She places her hand on my shoulder and I let go of myself. She holds me and I weep like a child in her arms, as she tries to soothe me. 

Time passes and I calm down, and we turn to leave. I take Emma's journal with me to my room and get ready to go back to work. This is what she would've wanted. She would've wanted me to go on. But I need her. I need her so damn much. I punch the wall to release my anger and leave. 

I need to think about something else. I can't go on like this. This is going to kill me. The same thing all over again. Anything I do or say reminds me of her. And I'm stuck in this vicious cycle… but I need closure. Maybe her funeral service will help. Or maybe I'll continue killing me slowly. But it's a chance I have to take.

*******This was longer than I intended it to be, but it wrote itself, and I never argue with a story that's so cooperative. Shal's POV will be next, then we'll have Bren's. Last one will be Lexa's.******* 


	3. Reverie

Chapter three: Reverie

I walk around Emma's room trying hard no to focus on anything. But there are so many memories stashed in here I feel suffocated. I start looking for pictures and stuff that reminds me of the good times and soon I'm the floor looking through them. Memories rack my brain, and I try to keep my emotions in check.

This proves to be impossible rather soon, and I start crying and laughing along with the pictures. There's one of all of us that was taken by Adam, and I notice in it something I never noticed before: I was posing for the cameras, Brennan was looking at me, Emma was looking at the wall and Jesse was looking at her. His gaze was soft and tender, and it makes me wonder. 

I knew about Brennan and Emma all along, but it never really bothered me. I knew that if Brennan and I were meant to be together, we would be. I guess I took it so calmly because of Jesse's advice. 

Come to think of it, that should've tipped me off right there. How would he know how to deal with that particular situation? Probably because he was dealing with it, too.

I find another picture, this one of me and Emma posing in bathing suits. We look so incredibly funny it's actually rather refreshing. There's one of Emma when she was still a brunette, making a face. And one of Jesse wearing nothing but boxers. She must've sneaked up on him to get it. I laugh at the sheer irony of it. They both loved each other and the other one never knew.

I hear Brennan's footsteps coming closer and I know he's here to check up on me. He enters the room and I'm mesmerized by the sheer strength of his presence. He sits beside me and we reminisce together between laughs and tears.

He holds me close to him all the while, and I marvel at how well my body fits in his arms. Feeling him so near makes me feel stronger and safe because I know he's protecting me. He always has and he always will. 

His chin rests in my shoulder and I'm comfortably draped over his body. I imagine Emma wanting to be between Jesse's arms and never getting the chance to and I sob for her loss. Brennan hugs me tenderly, murmuring sweet nothings just so I know he's here.

And how could I forget? He's everything to me. But right now, all I can feel is the sorrow of my lost sister and my heartbroken brother. Mutant X is my family, and we're caving in from the inside. It's up to Brennan and me to try to rebuild what has been lost. It will be hard, but with Jesse's help I know we can make it.

I get up and pull Brennan towards me. We hold and I kiss him softly, needing to reassure myself. Then I pull away and exit her room before it consumes me and I shrug to leave my memories behind. Time to work. Let the wrecking grief I feel overcome me some other time.

*********Not as torn apart as we thought, eh? She is, but it's in her instinct to work first. On to Brennan… let's see what he was doing before he joined Shal.*******


	4. Remorse

Chapter four: Remorse

I walk into my room silently and remember Jesse's words when he thought I wasn't listening. I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out. Suddenly everything starts to fit in. He loved her. He fucking loved her. And I screwed it all up!

I pick up a pillow and smash it repeatedly against the bed. How could I've been so damn stupid! I sit down and put my head between my hands in desperation as I remember how it all started.

I had always been attracted to Emma, ever since the first time I'd seen her. She was pretty but rather gentle, much unlike Shalimar who was on the wild side. Emma's strength, veiled with fragility, was what had attracted me to her. Then, those expressive eyes of her and that resolute tone her voice took on sometimes drove me over the edge.

I lusted for her. She lusted for me. We were two close friends that were attracted to each other. Emma wanted me to show her the ways of sensuality, and I wasn't about to refuse. But we got in too deep, and our feelings got all tangled. 

I broke it off when I realized that I was actually in love with Shalimar. Her grace, strength and courage had captivated me, so had her beauty. And Emma? She had sought comfort in Jesse, who would hold her for hours on end as she wept. I realize now why sometimes when she was asleep in his arms he'd let his tears fall softly, without saying a word. 

She was in pain, and so was he. And it was all my fucking fault. I shouldn't have gotten involved with Emma. I loved Shalimar, and I knew that, but my attraction for Emma was just too damn strong, I couldn't even think straight. 

Damn it. I bet I'm starting to sound like an insensitive prick who only takes advantage of women, A while ago, this perception might've been true, but with Emma and Shalimar it was different. There I was, with Emma, and one night I kissed Shalimar out of the blue and ended up making love to her. 

That's exactly what tipped me off to the fact that I loved Shalimar. Because when we were together, even though it was wild, fierce and passionate, it wasn't just sex. With Emma, it was softer and gentler, but when it came down to it, it was all about me pleasuring her. It never was about me loving her, and it hurts to know that it took me so damn long to realize it.

I know Shal is in Emma's room right now. Probably just letting it all out. And I'll be joining her soon. As soon as I'm done beating myself up. How am I even going to look at Jesse now?!? I feel so ashamed. 

Because he really does love her. And his love is pure, and innocent. If he had been given the choice, he would've traded his life for hers. I know it for sure… because I would do the same thing for Shalimar.

I walk out of my room and over to Emma's, and I walk in silently, even though I know Shal's been sensing me for a while now. I sit beside her and hold her, and suddenly everything feels right. Sorry Emma, we'll miss you and we hope you're okay. But this is the way it should be. This is who I have to be with. And Jess? He'll cope in his own way. It's time to heal.

*******I'm hating Brennan a little bit right now. But this just wrote itself. On to the final chapter: Lexa's POV.*******


	5. Redemption

Chapter five: Redemption

I look at them all, grieving in their own ways, and for some reason, I feel guilty. Guilty because I can't ease their pain. Especially Jesse's. And guilty because I feel like I should be feeling something, anything, yet here I am like a freaking stone pillar that feels nothing at all. 

Their eyes are on me, searching for some sign of emotion, yet my face remains expressionless. Thing is, I hate this, not knowing what to feel or how to act. I feel lost. Useless. 

I move over to Jesse and sit beside him, watching him work. He acknowledges my presence but decides to ignore me and hide any reaction. At least this one gives me cues on how to act. I remain silent and soon he's done. He storms off without a word, and Shalimar tries to go after him.

Brennan restrains her and she tries to fight him, but he shakes his head. "He needs some time alone" he says, and she backs down. We decide on a plan and I offer to go talk to Jesse. Brennan nods and I leave towards Jesse's room, but sobs coming from the other side of the hall divert my attention. I walk over to Emma's room and see Jesse's state.

Jesse knows more about me than anyone else. He's a good guy, loyal, and he doesn't deserve this. So I move closer to him and beckon him to me. He sobs between my arms and I hold him close. I'm finally feeling something, thank God. I feel pity because I know Emma's death is tearing Jess' soul apart. And I feel pain for the one he's feeling.

Wait a minute. Since when do I call him Jess? And since when do I care so much about him? Snap out of it Lexa, don't get attached. Don't get attached.

He gets up and wipes his face, embarrassed. I reassure him and we both walk out. I escort him to his room while filling him in on the plan and then retreat to my very own area. I feel vulnerable all of a sudden, and I don't like it. But it is better than to not feel at all. 

I walk into the Double Helix and I feel Shalimar's hostility towards me has not decreased. I shrug it off and sit down, still lost in my thoughts. I feel so out of place here. They've known each other for such a long time, and I'm just an intruder in their midst. 

Jesse walks over to me and thanks me before walking up to the front and lifting the DH. I'm enthralled by his gentleness, such a lost thing between males these days. I chide myself again. Stop, Lexa, stop. Focus on your mission. Focus on your mission.

*^* 

We're finally back from that mission and for some reason I feel strangely relieved.  It's all been a blur, really, since all I've been able to think about is Jesse. Argh! I need to get him out of my head! 

I walk into the lab and I hear them talking about a memorial service for Adam and Emma. The cynical way of thought takes over. They think that a little service will gain them redemption? I think not. But the illusion I can feel from Jesse turns the cynicism off. Maybe what they need isn't redemption, but closure.

I realize too late that my initial opinion of it was evident in my face and I walk off before I'm mobbed. Strangely enough Shalimar asks me to come to the service but I just don't feel like showing up. I'd be ashamed.

Damn. I hate this shit. First I didn't feel, now I feel too much. Calm down, Lexa, calm down. Then, a thought strikes me: what if I'm the one who needs redemption? I get up and bolt out over to the service. Time to find out.

I can see them all gathered from where I'm standing, and I observe their positions. Shalimar touching the plaque with their names softly as if to convince herself, then letting go of the flower she held. Brennan standing near Shalimar, ready to assist her with anything, ready to be her strength once again. And Jesse is sitting alone, drowning in misery.

Against my best judgment I walk over to them. Jesse spots me and smiles weakly, as if he's known I'd come all along. I try to fight it, but I can't keep a tear from making its way across my face. I hastily wipe it away, but Shalimar and Brennan have already noticed.

And that one moment of weakness bonds us all. I've become human to their eyes. Jess walks over to me and holds me like I held him before, and we revel in each other's company. When he releases me, his eyes are still sad, but they twinkle a little. We smile at each other and then I'm pulled into a hug by Shalimar and Brennan.

I can't believe this. They took me in. I'm a part of this, and it feels right. Like it's the way it should be. As if I was meant to be here. Maybe I was. We all smile at each other and peace wraps itself around us like a blanket to shield us from the cold. 

We all need redemption sometimes. I did, from my past mistakes and lack of understanding. But it's all better now. We're all together. They saved me. They gave me something to fight for. They gave me feelings. They gave me redemption to my own eyes, and now I've learned to forgive. Thanks, Emma. I owe you.

********Well, this is it. Thanks for joining me on this crazy ride. It's been great having you guys here with me. Drop me a review and tell me if this was worth your time.********


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